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You know sometimes I want to write these profound things and spill my heart and soul out on to (virtual) paper but sometimes I just don't feel it. Like today. I read other people's blogs and they write paragraph upon paragraph of profound thoughts and ideas and how they view the world, Christ and what the effect of His peresence is etc etc. Should we all think like this or am I just not that deep? My desire is to make people laugh and enjoy life.....not think too deeply into the meaning of life. Yet I contradict myself when I say that. Because lately I HAVE had the desire to delve more deeply into my thoughts, my soul, my ever loving God and the relationships He has put into my life. Is He the key to opening up and getting past the surface of things? All my life I have dealt on a surface level with people. Never really allowing anyone into my little world and I have never really truly given of myself in friendships. Sure I have friends and long lasting ones at that. But honestly, how much of those friendships have I held back from? Do I really put myself out there for people to know and see and love (or not love)? Or am I the shoulder that they cry on and I simply cry to myself never really allowing them to see the "real" me? How do you start becoming an intimate friend having never done so before in your life? How do you let people in and gain meaningful relationships without having anything to judge it by?

The desire is there. I have often in the past felt left out by certain people and "groups" and couldn't understand why. I am begining to see the why. I would ask people how they were, wait for a response and comment when it was required. Yet I gave nothing. I feared everything and gave no one anything of myself. It is going to require a huge change on my part and an awful lot of prayer for that wall that seems to be guarding my everything to fall. It's funny how well satan can mask himself.....and we don't even see it as that. We simply see it as a personality trait; its "just the way I am". Yet when we look at ourselves and how we are supposed to be Christ-like creatures, how on earth can a person say that the "wall" of their personality allows them to be such? Christ gave His whole heart, His entire being and never asked for anything in return but for us to love Him and one another. I am who I am today because of Him yet I don't glorify Him with all that I am and with all that I have. I hold back from myself and from everyone who may need Him through me. I pray that I can release this "wall" and allow those He wants in my life to come into it with no questions asked and with no holding back.

This is a major step in my life and its only 27 years in the making.....wish me luck and say a little prayer for me.